It's been 15 years since I was last in an airplane. I used to fly all the time from the ages of like 7 through 10 years old but I haven't flown since. When I used to fly as a kid I wasn't scared and I didn't worry about anything. I remember getting super excited to go on the plane and being able to see the clouds and tiny little houses and people that looked like ants from so high above.
When I hit puberty (isn't that a nasty sounding word "puberty" haha ewww) I started to develop anxiety issues. I began worrying and over analyzing everything to the point where I would have trouble sleeping, going out in public, going school, etc..I would just totally freak out in my head like I'd want to run away from everything and just feel safe. I have since found ways to learn how to deal with my anxiety and try to put it in the back burner and not be such a fucking dork about it and let it get the best of me ("the best the best the best the best of you" Foo Fighters haha).
Well this leads into my fear of flying. I'm not actually scared of being in a plane and flying and getting in a plane crash. I'm more scared of being on a plane and having an anxiety attack and not being able to get away from everyone so that I can get to a place I feel safe and secure in. I also don't want to look like a fool by having an anxiety attack in front of everyone. I'd hate to be the one guy on the plane who looks like an asshole because he is freaking over nothing and he can't control himself. My anxiety issues are basically me worrying about not looking like a fool in front of everyone by having an anxiety attack and me feeling safe and in control of the situation I'm in.
If I continue to live on the west coast/California I'm going to have to fly back eventually for something. For instance my brother is getting married in June 2006 in Tennessee and it's a bit to far to drive so that leaves me with not going which I don't want to do or I need to fly. In order for me to fly again I'm going to need some meds that relax me and then after a few flights I'll be fine and I won't need any meds. I tend to let things I haven't done in a long time get the best of me. Does that make me a fucking pussy? haha..Yes probably but it's how I've lived my life and I'm trying to change..kinda..Well I'd like to change! Help me change, get me some meds, a soft pillow, a pretty girl & a free plane ticket!
Hopefully this explains why I'm not going back to Massachusetts for the holidays...I'm a big crybaby loser punk nerd dork fag prick sucka playa kid!
Boo Fuckin Yah to You and Your momz!
gso
I haven't been feeling very creative lately hence the lack of blog entries. My mind feels lazy and unproductive. I've been filling my days with video games, naps and movies. I've barely been playing guitar and writing music has been something that seems so long ago. I have written some music in the past month but its rubbish! No Good! I need for a change to happen in my personal life. I'm pretty content with work - they pay me enough - the work is easy - the people are cool, etc...I almost feel like I'm settling into old age.
