Things I Hate

Hate is a strong word but a necessary word!

I Hate

Getting sick
Sunday nights because the next day is a work day
Doing dishes/cleaning the house
Giving in/Backing down
Slushy dirty snow
Extreme heat
The sun
Excessive Rain
Tap water
Strong smelly perfume
Paying bills
Having no money
Power trips
Coffee house girl musicians
Jam bands
Wiggas
Excessive nagging
When someone acts like they can't hear me (Erica, my mom)
When the internet goes down
Working late
Gas prices
Meatheads
Alcohol
People who are easily offended
Hair in the drain
Doing things that I don't want to do
Showoffs
Not winning contests
Knowing I'm wrong
Fish
Doing laundry
The desert
Drugs
Kansas
Ohio
When my girlfriend doesn't tell me what she is thinking
Pretentcious people
Frat boys
DRM
War
When my dog licks his paws excessively
Flaky people
Public transportation
Headaches
People speaking another language in front of me
Being busy
Traffic
Gaining weight
Not getting what I want
Holding in gas
Not having gum
Pet stores with animals for sale inside
Getting not comments on posts on my blog

gso

Happy Halloween

By the time most of you read this it will be November 1 so think of this is a later Halloween party! Enjoy these raunchy Halloween photos to all my "Boo's"






Click here for all Halloween photos

Sorry I don't have anything clever to write but I'm sick. I have a sore throat. When I'm sick I act like a baby. Please send all get well soon cards to gregg@greggoconnell.com

thx
gso

QVC & HSN

I'm sitting here watching 2 of my favorite channels. I keep switching between QVC & HSN. They both are selling jewelery. This lady just called in to say that she has just bought a pair of earrings that are today's special value. The host asks "What do you do for a living?" The caller "I'm a registered nurse" The host "oh Betty thank you for all the hard work you do for our country" I love TV shopping channels but sometimes they make me want to puke. These hosts (except for David Venable) are the cheesiest, fakest mofo's I've ever watched. Everything they sell have it be jewelery, TV's or food is always the best most amazing product ever.

HSN is selling a "London Blue Topaz Silver Ring" and the host just announced that he has never seen a price like this before for this quality of a ring, you can't find blue topaz anywhere else, sales are going to explode & something he has never said before about blue topaz "buy more than one" These are are bold statements!

TV shopping personalities maybe more sleazy than used car salesmen. I can't get enough of them though. The best part is watching the sucky hosts. The ones that are on at like midnight that start stumbling over all their words and sound like complete idiots.

The fakest most clueless host is this lady on HSN Shannon Smith. I love watching her sell electronics most of all. She comes on and sounds like a freaking robot reading from a sheet. My boy David Venable has all the personality in the world and shines like a bright flame that burns all night. Shannon Smith on the other hand makes you want to cringe and change the channel. If she was your date she's be the type of girl who tried too hard. You know those girls the ones that annoy the fuck out of you because they force everything rather than letting it happen naturally.

So to my QVC and HSN hosts I thank you for entertaining me all these years.

gso

Popcorn Ear

When I was 10 years old I went to the Pediatrician for my regularly scheduled checkup. He was checking out my whole entire lean sexy preteen body when he got to my ears.

The left ear was first! This ear was in pristine condition just like it was when I was 9! Next up the right ear! Oh my! As he sticks his tool in my ear he seems to notice a huge build up of wax. It's so much wax or so he thinks that he is going to clean it out for me. He starts working his magic in my right ear and he begins to figure out it's not wax it's something else! He ends up getting the "thing" out of my ear. It's a freaking popcorn kernel! I had a whole unpopped popcorn kernel lodged in my ear and I didn't even know it! I don't know how it got there. I used to eat microwaved popcorn all the time during this time. So what I think happened is that I must have had some popcorn in my hand then scratched the side of my head and a popcorn kernel fell in.

It would of' been awesome if I still had the popcorn kernel. I could've sold it on eBay like it was an aged bottle of wine. If I sold it today the title could be "16 year old Popcorn Kernel aged in Ear Wax Barrel". I'd probably sell it for a lot of money. Those online casinos buy all kinds of crazy shit!

What's the funniest thing any doctor has ever found on you?

gso

Darkest Nights (MP3)

Download my lastest foray into electronic music with my good friend D-Fab. Aptly titled "Darkest Nights" It's all about how the military throws this fantasy of how good and rewarding it is to be in the military. The reality of it all is you're basically going into hell to fight and kill people. Enjoy!

Download "Darkest Nights" here!

Celebrate your time in hell
Optimized in pitch and sale
And the shake don't stop
Til we're on top
And you better not leave
Until we breathe

Back to back we fight this
Count the votes and we'll kill more
And the shake don't stop
Til we're on top
And you better not leave
Until we breathe

Sunshine on the darkest nights
With the brightest lights
Shining in my eyes
Got this fists to fight
We're not wrong we're right
Got this fists to fight
We're not wrong we're right
We're not wrong we're right
We're not wrong we're right

Celebrate your time in hell
Optimized in pitch and sale
Back to back we fight this
Count the votes and we'll kill more

lyrics + vocals: Gregg O'Connell
music: D-fab

Breast Feeding: Behind The Breast Feeding

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Napping Season

It's officially napping season finally! Don't act like you don't know what napping season is! Ok I'll tell you if you don't already know. It's the time of the year October through March when the weather is cooler and the days make you more lazy than the other months of the year.

I honestly believe napping is hereditary. My sister when she was in high school would come home from school and sleep from 2:30 til 6:00 everyday. I used to think this was "nucking futs" but now here I am doing the same thing. O'Connell's blood is sleepy blood.

My career as a napper hasn't been very long. I've been napping reguarly since about the age of 21. Napping to me is escaping the horrors of everyday life and entering a magical world only Harry Potter really knows! Does anyone remember that quote?!?! hmmm

It's not like my job is stressful or makes me tired. I nap out of habit. I get home put the TV on and eat dinner. Then my sweet baby green eyes begin getting heavy. My brain gets lazy and my body loosens up for a 2 hour nap that would be sure to satisfy any young child or senior citizen.

The only way I can nap when it's not napping season is if I have an air conditioner. I sweat every time I take a nap no matter what season it is. I always wake up with a sweaty head, balls & dry mouth. I've been this way since I was just "Greg" minus the other "g"

Napping for one hour is as benefical for learning as a full nights sleep. This obviously explains why I can't do anything creative until I take a nap. When I wake up from a nap I feel like a new person. Kind of like going from a complete asshole to a sweet little old grandmother. I probably smell like a grandmother too after my nap.

gso

My Daily Routine

Everyone has a routine but mine may be the most boring sounding routine of all. This is my Monday through Friday routine. It's like clockwork and rarely changes.

4:18 am First Alarm Goes Off
4:24 am Emily gets up and gets in the shower
4:30 am Second alarm goes off. I get up and check my emails and favorite websites
4:40 am get in the shower
4:50 am get out of the shower
4:52 am get dressed
4:58 am do my hair (ha ha that sounds like an old lady "do my hair"
5:00 am Take Herbie out to go pee and pooh
5:05 am take my multi-vitamin w/ applesauce cause I can't swallow, get my lunch ready
5:07 am eat my breakfast while I surf the internet
5:12 am leave for work
5:30 am drop Emily off at work
5:33 am arrive at my job
5:35 am log into my computer at work and check my work and personal emails
5:40 am process transfers
7:30 am go to the Lizzy
7:35 am process more transfers
9:00 am go for my walk with Kim, Bill, Jelyn & Brian
9:20 am process transfers and begin eating sunflower seeds....
10:30 am go to the Lizzy again...
11:30 am go to lunch
12:00 pm process transfer..ahhhhhhhhh fuckin transfers!!!
12:30 pm go to the Lizzy once more!
1:00 pm go for my last walk with everyone minus Billy Whipped
1:20 pm process transfers...... :(
2:00 pm leave work
2:05 pm pick Emily up
2:30 pm arrive home
2:40 pm take Herbie out to go pee/pooh
3:00 pm eat dinner
3:45 pm take a nap
6:00 pm wake up from my nap and surf the internet, play video games and watch TV
7:00 pm go to the gym to burn 400 calories watching other people work out!
7:45 pm get home from the gym
8:15 pm Take Herbie for a walk
8:45 pm take a shower
8:50 pm surf the internet write a blog and play video games
9:30 or 10:00 pm go to sleep

I'm the type of guy that can stay inside and have the time of my life. The only things in life I need to make me happy are Herbie, video games, the internet & the TV. Most people like to go do activities outside like soccer or diving. Not me I'd rather be in the comfort of my own home. Yes my girlfriend gets bored of my routine. Sometimes I need to amend my daily routine to make her happy which is fine with me because honestly I get bored of it too. Who wouldn't get bored of naps and dinner @ 3:00 pm?!??!

If I came into a large sum of money say $2 million I wouldn't do anything except go shopping, walk my dog and relax. I'd be so happy. Most people would travel to Guadalajara or some other poor ass city. Most people say I'm not really living life but I beg to differ. I'm living life the way that makes me happy and comfortable. Just because you drink beers, eat dark meat chicken & play basketball with the brothas @ the Y doesn't make you cool it makes you a scallywag!

Is it me or is that new Jojo song "Too Little Too Late" dope ass catchy shit?!??! "You know it's just a little too late" God Jojo really knows how I feel! She's deeper than a well.

gso

Conservative Right Wing Christians Go Pooh Too!

Walks at work come twice a day: 9:00 am and 1:00 pm. It's 5 of us that walk on our 15 minute break. Well today at 1:00 pm before our walk Brian and I went to the Lizzy. (aka bathroom...Lizzy aka "draining the lizard..I call it the Lizzy b/c bathroom is so old and boring and I like being hip and trendy)

Anyways as we are walking to the Lizzy, Brian and I began having a discussion on internet gambling and how it's illegal or so I thought it was. Brian informed me that internet gambling is not illegal yet but it will be soon. By this time I'm at the urinal draining my Lizzy, he is in the stall doing his thing and there is another guy in the other stall. We continue talking about internet gambling when all of the sudden "BOOM" it sounded like a bomb was just dropped on San Diego. I start laughing out loud I'm like "Brian was that you" He didn't say anything at first and he started laughing as well. Brian points to the other stall. The right wing Christian guy was dropping fucking bombs in the toilet like it was cool to do with other dudes in the bathroom.

We're washing our hands and Brian is like "Yeah those fucking right wing Christians are the ones that are trying to control and stop internet gambling. They're just trying to be good so they get into heaven." We're done washing our hands and the guy that was popping turtle heads out of his ass got out of the stall and is like "That isn't really proper bathroom conversation especially when there is a conservative ring wing Christian in the bathroom as well." The whole time the scallywag is saying this and Brian is laughing really hard and loud. The guy was so fucking pissed it was so funny. My question to the Christian dude is what s proper bathroom conversation? "Hey Brian you're really peeing a lot did you drink a lot of water?"

We walked out of the bathroom barely alive. No it wasn't the smell from the farts the guy was dropping it was from the uptight statement the guy made. It's people like him that make me wish I lived in Northern California or Massachusetts. San Diego has a lot of religious conservative fucks. The last thing I need in my life is to be taking a piss while in a conversation and have some religious cock sucker come out and give me his opinion when I wasn't asking for it. Doesn't he know that's what blogs are for?!?! God!!!

gso

How to Suck a Cock or Candy Cane (Video)

Learning new things is a key ingredient to being successful and happy in life. In this 11 second video tutorial I'll show you the lost art of Candy Cane sucking. Impress your mom and dad, friends even co-workers as you deep throat a 9 inch fruit flavored candy cane.




gso

Herbie Love

What I love about my dog Herbie aka Bubbas, Bubbles, Schnauzer Boy & Uncle.

Watching him sleep (He looks like a little bean all rolled up)

The way he smells (Like dirt and baby kittens)

Playing with him (He bites my arms cause I put them in his mouth)

The way he drinks water (He makes these massive gulping sounds. He then has water dripping from his beard)

Taking him for walks (everytime he goes on a walk he has this energy and happiness all over his face. I should know because I can read dog's faces!)

Coming home from somewhere have it be 5 minutes or 5 hours. (He acts like I've been gone forever. He howls and jumps up on me)

How he lives for the moment. (He obviously doesn't think of the future really so whatever he is doing he loves doing it right then and there. Herbie doesn't get bored because he knows something better is coming up.)

How he speaks (I'll say "Herbie Speak!!!" He lets out this big howl it's so fucking cute)

Loner (It's funny because almost every dog I see in at the dog park wants to be with the other dogs. Not Herbie! He walks around the dog park by himself. )

Giving him treats (He'll stop whatever he is doing if I offer him a treat. He'll go from being a brat to doing whatever I say if he knows I have a treat for him.)

stubbornness (He really does things on his own terms. He'll come only if he knows he's getting something for coming. Gee that sounds a lot like someone else I know :P )

Whines (He walk around the apartment with his toy in his mouth whining so someone will play with him or give him attention.)

His body (It's like a mix of little man with a muscular walk. Does that make any sense ha ha )

Kisses (He very rarely gives kisses but when he does they are so sweet. God I really sound like a homosexual on this entry)

Intuition (If I'm upset or if Emily & I are fighting he instinctively knows what to do. He lays his head down on my lap and looks up at me)


I'll leave with that. It's Friday so I have an excuse for writing about Herbie. You guys won't see this til Monday anyway so I have 3 more days to amend it so that I look more manly!

Gregg

My 48 Fears + Video

Things I Fear...

Flying in an airplane
Dark meat chicken
HIV/AIDS
Cancer
Testicle tumors
Bums/Homeless People
Herbie Dieing
Giving in/Not being stubborn
Giving speeches in front of a large group of people at work
Dieing
Anxiety
Drowning/Water
Heights
Door Handles/Germs
Trying new foods
Not having control
going pooh with someone in the next stall
going pee with someone right next to me
Rollercoasters/rides
Not being the center of attention
Approaching strangers
Sharing food or drink with someone else
Getting fat
Women's vaginas
Needles
Doctors
Vomiting
Someone will hack my website
Going to new places that are more than 200 miles from home
Bills/Money
Staying hard during sex
Being normal/average
Interviews
Getting in trouble
Going to prison
Tap water
Getting jumped
Leaving the door unlocked
Sleeping in silence
Being without the internet
Being without a cell phone
Fear
Having to physically defend myself
Knives
Tacs
Downtowns
Emily when she is in a bad mood
Antibacterial soap



What are you afraid of?

gso

White Meat Chicken vs. Dark Meat Chicken

Like Todd Berry says "I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable." What are chicken fingers made of? White meat chicken! Coming from Massachusetts where it seems everyone eats white meat chicken then coming to California where everyone eats any color chicken. I think the main difference between the states and the color chicken they eat is a cultural difference. In Massachusetts it's mostly whites, blacks & a few of everything else. In California it seems like it's mostly whites, Mexicans and Asians. Mexicans & Asians eat every freaking part of the chicken yucky!!!

The people that like dark meat chicken say its juicer and has more flavor. I say fucking ewww. Chicken meat when eaten was meant to be eaten as white meat! Why would McDonalds, Wendy's aka Freckle Bitches & Burger King all use only white meat chicken in their chicken products. It looks cleaner, it tastes better & it comes from the best part of the chicken...The breast! What person doesn't like chewing on a breast of meat. Dark meat looks dirty and really turns me off in a major way. It's kind of like dropping some white meat chicken in a bucket of chewing tobacco spit juice then cooking it and eating it.

The other advantage that white meat chicken has over dark meat chicken is with white meat you don't have to deal with nearly as many bones. I can't eat chicken or any meat for that matter on the bone (that goes for you to boys!!!) To me that's like eating an animal while it's alive. I like my meat to be processed so much that it looks nothing like an animal. Make my meat into some ridiculous star or into a circle so I can place it between two buns. Bones are also bad because you can choke and die. I'd hate to have to die from choking to death on a chicken bone. What a way to go. One minute you're enjoying your third date with that sweet young girl from arithmetic class @ KFC eating chicken wings and the next your laying in a casket at a funeral home while everyone stares at your decomposing body.

The last and best advantage white meat chicken has over dark meat chicken is the health benefits. White meat has less fat and is lower in calories. For us overweight Americans less fat in our diet means more energy to do the things we love like going to the movies to see the latest Jessica Simpson flick, eating buttery popcorn with extra salt, sucking down a few cold brews (Red Trolley's) & downloading music from some cool bit torrent site.

So why not join the Gregg Shane Train and turn white meat chicken into the only meat you ingest! Frank Purdue wasn't selling chicken breasts for nothing. He was doing it because he wanted us all to live the American dream and enjoy white meat chicken together with our family and friends. Say no to proposition 86 by banning dark meat chicken forever!

lovingly yours,
gregory shane o'connell

How to Wash Fruit

Let's take a poll: Who washes their fruit before they eat it? I do! Unless it's a b-a-n-a-n-a (thx Gwen) or an orange. Do you know how many pesticides, chemicals, human waste & fruit fly larvae are on that NON-organic apple? Fuck! Probably like 775 pesticides, chemicals, human waste & fruit fly larvae! That's a lot of crap on that "healthy" snack that you're about to ingest. Organic fruits and veggies are just as bad. Those have human fece hands and those annoying fruit flies!

There's 3 ways to clean that tasty heavily tainted treat. One way to get some of those dirty nasty things off your "nature treat" is to run that piece of fruit/vegetable under the sink with water. This like I said gets "some" of the bad boys off your produce. You may die in 20 years from the chemicals still being on there but you're fruit will be nice and wet!

Another way to get that produce wiped clean of devilish things is to clean it with Palmolive. Yes Palmolive! The same Palmolive that mom used to wash last nights meatloaf off of grandpa's dish. The same Palmolive that's tough on dishes but soft on your hands! What you do is squirt a little Palmolive on your fruit/veggie and massage it in like you were massaging that kink out of your husbands neck after a late night of rough housing in the sack. After the soap is all suds rinse it off under the sink very well until all you smell is that fresh Palmolive smell. Now you might be saying "but Palmolive is also a chemical. Isn't this like stealing from Peter to give to Paul?" Yes and no, let me explain. The chemicals found in Palmolive are not known to kill you. So go ahead wash that fruit with Palmolive and make it sparkle like that new wine glass!

The last and probably most healthy way to clean fruit is by using Veggie Wash. It's an all natural made from "organic citrus" veggie/fruit wash. It also cleans cutting boards and other food surfaces. Here's how you use it

"Firm produce should be sprayed thoroughly with Veggie Wash, rubbed with the hand for 20-30 seconds, and then rinsed thoroughly with water before eating."

Wow that sounds really easy and fun! Who knew cleaning fruit could be so in depth! There are so many ways to go about trying to not go deaf, blind & dumb from those pesky chemicals on the fruit. I feel safer just knowing that one day my body will be intact thanks to the men and women who created Veggie Wash & Palmolive! Thanks guys!

gso :)

Confessional Like a Catholic

I'm not Catholic I'm Protestant so I never went to CCD or confessional. I guess I'm probably lucky by not being Catholic because of all those sexual abuse cases from the Priests. Today I thought since I never did confessional that I'd do one today to get some things off my chest. So here goes!

When I was 11 years old I used to go to this convenient store called B&J's in good ole Brockton, MA with my friends. Well back in 1991 tiny little crappy stores didn't have surveillance cameras. Also back then they still had the same stupid moronic cashiers as they do today. So me and my friends would go to the candy aisle and fill our pockets up with gum and candy bars. I don't even think we'd even buy one thing when we were in there either which is weird. Who the fuck goes into a convenient store and looks at the stuff and doesn't buy anything. When you go into a convenient store you're purposely going in there to get some specific because you don't feel like going into a supermarket. When we'd walk out of the store with our pockets filled up I had the biggest rush of adrenaline. I felt like such a cool rebel dude for stealing candy. We did this the whole summer of 5th grade going into 6th. I don't know if this is any coincidence but B&J's is no longer in business.?!?!?

I'd like to confess that everything I said I was sick before school I really wasn't. I just didn't want to go. I wanted to stay in my room and play video games. God that sounds a lot like someone I know today. Did you ever go to school and there was a kid who didn't miss a day all year? Then you'd also have the kid who didn't miss a day for the entire time they attended the school. It was always the kid who was a dork and socially inept. Thank God I had an older brother and sister otherwise I might've been that kid who is socially weird and doesn't consume alcohol.

The last thing I'd like to confess is I'd like to say sorry to those girls I slept with that I gave the impression that I may have liked you. There are like 37 girls I wish I had never slept with. The one that gave me crabs & the one I got pregnant that got an abortion are just two of the losers I slept with that I wish I hadn't. Sorry ladies for the mixup it was just Willy Wonka talking!

Jesus/God I hope you forgive me for my mishaps and fuckups. I haven't been perfect and the stubbornness I have is surely one of my downfalls as a human (atleast according to other females)
I hope the love I show towards animals will get me into heaven. Just watch me with my dog. I'll most definitely win you over with the respect and love I show him. God bless you God & Jesus!

gso

P.S. My people feel free to confess something that may put you in grave danger of getting into heaven!!! Or just tell me I'm lame and my blog sucks! Either one works and will make me feel wanted and loved.

The Great Pumpkin Ghost

Horror movies are usually ridiculous but they do the job of scaring us very well. If the movie is scary enough people will tell their fat head friends about it. This makes for good word of mouth publicity. Well I'm trying to create the same thing here except this isn't a horror movie it's real and it can kill you. Let me save your life...please!

You're probably saying "Gregg what the fuck are you talking about?" I'm talking about the dreaded infamous unknown killer "Pumpkin Ghost" Do you know how many people have choked and died while sucking on a mouthful of salty pumpkin seeds? Cause I don't know...

The pumpkin ghost feeds on mini-schnauzer dogs and humans. Once eaten by the Pumpkin Ghost you become a ghost yourself. You not only spend eternity as a ghost but also are stuck behind the Pumpkin Ghost in ever single photo taken of the Pumpkin Ghost. It's a sad reality but it's one reality that we as a society must live with. It's sad but true. It's hard but it's fair. It's tough but that's life.

There is only one way to protect yourself from the Pumpkin Ghost. Teenagers are the only ones that can defeat him. They pick him up and hold him above their heads then smash him to the ground. He must break into multiple pieces or else he will haunt your dreams forever!!!

Also don't even try to create your own Pumpkin Ghost because I'll sue your ass for copyright infringement! Even though I didn't carve him or create him. I'll sue you for enough to get the new Playstation 3 & Nintendo Wii and a few of the games!

So this Halloween when you are trick or treating or if you're just looking to raise some hell smash every pumpkin you see and send me the photo of it. I'll post it on my website so our society can sleep a little better at night knowing that their is one less killer off the streets.

Pumpkin Ghost photoset

Thanks & God Bless you all!
Now go do your part!
gso

Don't Drink The Water

For all of you that work in an office you know what goes on around the water cooler. Some water coolers contain clean fresh cold spring water and others contain cold filtered tap water. Conversations of who you can't stand and who can't stand you. Telling tales of the sexually explicit things you did the night before with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Some people even go to the water cooler as an excuse to stop working. I know I've done that a few times.

The other things that go down at the water cooler are people actually getting water to drink. This brings us to the topic at hand and that is "Water Cooler Germs". The correct way to get water from the water cooler is using a cup and not letting the tap hit any part of the cup. What most people use and do to get water is they use a water bottle that they have previously drank from. They put the tap inside the bottle and fill it up. This is fucking disgusting and thus stopped me from getting water from my workplace water cooler. Think of all the unnecessary germs that are spreading into society. This is one major reason that people at work get others sick. What if some guy/girl was blowing some guy the night before and the blowee had an STD. The blower then used her water bottle at the company water cooler and filled it up. You're basically blowing the guy too since you both are using the same water tap.

Help me stop workplace water cooler germs by using a cup and not a bottle. I really don't like thinking I kissed your 62 year old hairy overweight smelly husband just because I drank a little water from the cooler. If you insist on using a bottle then wash the damn thing with Palmolive. No one wants to share your herpes from your upper lip.

gso

Hairy Belly Syndrome

Who doesn't love a hairy belly? Well it seems like a lot of people don't. Girls & guys especially!

As some of you know I have a hairy belly. I am also very very white. When you mix those two things together you have a recipe for disgusting! Well this is what everyone says to me that sees my nude stomach.

When I was a younger Gregg like pre-pubescent era I didn't have a hair on my hairless body. Then puberty hit me at the age of 12. My voice changed to sound more manly and I was growing hair in places that Asian people only dream about! My belly hair started off really simple and cute. I had the "pleasure trail". You know the trail that goes from the top of your stomach to the area down south where all the fun happens. I had this pleasure trail for a good 7 years. Then all of the sudden I began growing hair on the sides of my belly and some more on my chest, nipples, etc. Thank God none grew on my back. George "The Animal" Steele syndrome was not in my future.

I remember the first two people to make fun of my "hairy belly" were my brother and sister. They would say how disgusting it looked. Once I moved out of my mom's house I was safe from the teasing at least I thought. Along comes Zdenek "Terry Honda" Janda. I go tan apartment with him and his wife Cathy Janda when I was 21. Zdenek would call me a hairy gorilla. I never cried but sometimes I just wanted to lay underneath my bed with the dirty pots and pans and sulk.

Then one day last year out of the blue I decided to shave all my belly and chest hair with an electric razor. This worked splendidly. I felt like I had a new lease on life. My stomach looked like a new belly. It was pure white. The kind of white that everyone likes their chicken to look like or their teeth (you choose). I only shaved it once and my roommate Erica at the time thought it was kind of freaky and almost more disgusting then with hair.

I've since let the hair grow back in. This brings me to last night. I had just finished working out at the gym and I was all hot and bothered. I took my shirt off and decided before I took a shower I would play a game of Uno on my Xbox 360. Well when you play Uno if you have a Xbox camera you can see the other people. The people I was playing with could see my hairy belly. I stood up to go get something and when I did this they had a point blank view of my stomach. In unison I hear "Ewwwww that's fucking gross man don't ever do that to us again!" I'm like what's wrong? They go "you're stomach is really really hairy and to make matters worse it's super white. Maybe if you had a tan it wouldn't look so bad but you don't." I was devastated. I get teased in real life and cyberland. I can't escape it!

I'll continue on in life with my hairy white stomach and hopefully one day society will accept it with open arms. For right now I'll continue hide it with shirts and blankets.

gso

Gay Magnet

I am a gay man magnet. They've seemed to love me since I was 19 years old. When I started working in Boston in 1999 there were a bunch of gay guys in the department I was in. There was something like 10 guys in the department and literally 5 of them were gay. Back when I was 19,20,21 I totally dressed like a gay guy. I had the gay boy body. You know wicked skinny & slender. I shopped and bought only the coolest most expensive clothes I couldn't really afford.

I would always here the same stuff "oh Gregg you're totally gay and you're going to come out of the closet when you're like 40 years old watch!" The director of my department was gay too and this dude was all about me. He would send me emails saying I look good and that I was hot. Now I know how a girl feels when a guy says thing like that to her. I felt kind of violated yet strangely confident from that whole experience. I used to take the train home and one of my gay co-workers took it with me as well and he'd be saying what he would do to me if I were gay. Ha ha I was like dude that's fucking nasssssty, I don't like coooooooock!

There is this gay guy at my work now. I found out a couple of weeks ago that he has a crush on me. He went to a happy hour a couple of weeks ago because he heard I was going to be there. Well yesterday he was down by my desk so I was like "Hey Michael what's going on buddy" His face lit up like a Menorah during Hanukkah. I was totally teasing the kid and I was like "Mike you should get your seat moved behind me so that you can shower me with gifts" and he's like "Yeah that would be great except I'd shower you with love and affection" After he walked away from me he says to my co-worker "Oh I love Gregg's eyes, their so sexy!" Thank God I was sitting down or else he would've seen my big fat ass. I don't need that kind of pressure. Living up to gay men's standards is hard living.

If you're gay and your sexual preference are males then that must be the easiest way to get laid. Guys in general are slut horn bags. Now match that sex drive with another guy and you have 7 minutes of smelly dirty boy.

I've been trying to lose my "Girlfriend Comfortable Weight" as to not lose my "Gay Magnet" status that I've worked so hard for. It's not everyday that a 26 year old Massachusetts born male is hit on by gay men in San Diego while at work.

R U A MAN?

That's right, the Captain's back to entertain with true stories of true shit. This one is about a 'friend' of mine and what a worthless and pitiful excuse this guy is for a dude. This dude came in to my circle of friends thru a best friend of mine. He is not like us: he is a little slow, goofy, and has no game. Still, he wasn't a total moron when I met him. Fast-forward 5 years... this dude, 'J' has allowed himself to get fat, spent 7+ years to get an AA degree, still works at the same dumb job (He's like the dude from 40yr-old virgin at the Audio/Video store) which he isn't even good at, spent a shit-load of money on his ugly girlfriend, allowed his girlfriend to cheat on him at a party at his own house...

Ohh, maybe I'll focus on this one. J's gf was in a bed with some dude at a party at his house in the spare bedroom. My boy's busted in on them and the dude said he thought the girl was single. My boy gave him 1 min. to get the fuck out the house... then J walks in and is like, "What are you doin" in his whinin voice. He didn't even do SHIT!!! And they lived together... You're thinking, what a whore right? How about, what a pansy my friend is? So, he didn't kick her out, didn't break up with her. He got humiliated, embarrassed in front of all his friends and didn't do shit.

That wasn't the only time he was done like that. This girl is always on some dude's lap at a party. In fact, she had some guy coming over to the house when J wasn't there. At his own birthday party, this dude showed up wearing a hooded sweatshirt and looking different, like he was in disguise. Lol. J’s gf was in the car with this dude for bout an hour. This went on til my best friend fronted her on it and told her that shit wasn't cool. Then she just started going to his place.

When a song came on the radio, the lyrics go..."I don't wanna know, keep it on the low...", we all turned it up and told him it's his song. The dumbass didn't even comprehend. By taking shit from whores, it only makes it worse. Now, J is whooped, she runs the relationship. She tells him if he can go out and what he can do. She is 22, he is 25! His dumbass commutes to a school 1 hr away cuz she didn't want to go to the same college as him, the one 10 minutes away. It sucks cuz he was decent looking before but now he is all fat with no confidence and is so hideous he caused 3 people to move out of the house due to his walking around with no shirt, showing off all the paleness and blubber.

To all guys out there: Let this shit be a lesson! If some girl works you over, work her back and fucking drop her! If you're too much of a pansy to get her back, still kick her to the curb. No woman is worth this type of humiliation and degradation to mere shit on the street like my friend is. Another thing, if you are moron and you have intelligent friends, listen to them. But what can you expect from a dude whose brother is a traffic-crossing guard at a Indian casino, sister was a stripper, cousin's wife cheated on him with his dad, and basic slowness runs in the family?

The Launch Day Bug

It comes every 5 or so years a new video game system hits the market. Well almost exactly a month from now Playstation 3 and Nintendo Wii launch. This is the kind of stuff I live for. I don't go to bars and get cocked. I spend my money on technology. Technology is my vice!

Playstation 3 hits the market November 17. I bought the first Playstation and I thought it was pretty good. It introduced me to games like Resident Evil which is definitely my favorite series of games. Then came Playstation 2 which I got the day it launched and I was very underwhelmed with it. Now the Playstation 3 is about to hit and I'm getting the itch. I kind of want it. I have an Xbox 360 which is one of the best most fun consoles I have ever played on. It's almost perfect! The PS3 will basically have the same games but the thought of there being a new console in the world that I don't have kind of hurts me. For someone like you to understand this (you being the 20 something female) it would be like you only having Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts coffee once every 5 years or like you only being able to have sex with one person for 5 years straight :P
The freaking PS3 costs $599 just for the system with NO GAMES!!! Too expensive so this baby will not be had on launch day unless some nice charitable organization offers me one!

The Nintendo Wii launches on November 19. This is the most likely candidate to make it onto my TV stand. This sexy thing is small, sleek and affordable at $250! I sound like Rachel Ray on $40 a day. It offers a lot of new technology like motion sensoring that never really made it to main stream gaming.

New things get me excited. It could be McDonalds coming out with Halloween shakes or the newest iPod. I'm such a nerd that I'll check the same websites like 15 times a day to see if they put up a new article. I never know what I'm going to miss! I can't have something going under my nose.

Keep me informed! With your lives and my loves!

gso

Part II: High School Love & Lust (Isa)

Isa is Portuguese and she was born in Portugal (Bill). I've known Isa since elementary school. She starting attending John F. Kennedy Elementary in Brockton, MA with me in 3rd grade. I had known her but didn't really talk to her during Elementary school. We both attended different junior highs so it wasn't until English class in 9th grade that we really started talking. Freshmen year we had a couple of classes together Spanish, English & Science I think?!?!

Well like I said in my last post she had her friend Susana call me and find more info about me. That planned back fired but she continued to stay in contact with me and even got closer to me since I was dating one of her best friends. Isa and I shared the love of Nirvana. Our relationship was definitely connected by music. After I broke up with Susana I still continued to keep in touch with Isa and in 10th grade we became an item.

Also at this time period I had really bad social anxiety. I can remember one time she invited me to her sisters birthday party and I brought along 2 of my friends. Well I was so anxious that when we got to her apartment building I began throwing up. I started gagging on my on puke and couldn't breathe. I thought I was going to die!!! We stayed at the party for like 1 hour and we went home. I felt like such a loser. It seemed every time I went to her house I'd be very anxious thereafter.

Isa and I both attended 2 of my favorite concerts I had ever went to. The first one was my first concert ever. Foo Fighters. We both were huge Foo Fighters fan. They played at the Strand in Providence, RI. The show was incredible. It had a ton of energy and Dave Grohl was rocking so hard it gave me a slight boner :P. The second show we went to was the 1998 WBCN River Rave. She got us front row for the whole show because she knew one of the bouncers. We saw Scott Weiland when he was solo, The Offspring, Semisonic & Green Day it was awesome.

At that time she was the perfect girlfriend for me even though we verbally fought a lot. Ha ha everyone that knows me must be in shock by hearing that I verbally fought with an exgf. She was into everything I liked. We'd play video games, go fishing, listen to the same tunes & liked the same foods.

One time when we were seniors we decided to leave school early so a few hours before it was time to go home we walked out the front door. Well one of the teachers saw us so by that time we were in the car and started driving off. The teacher tried stopping us by standing in front of the car but we took off anyway. He got her license plate and got her info from the registry. We ended up getting suspended for 5 days! It was awesome because those 5 days off from school didn't count as absences so it was basically a week off from school.

We graduated in 1998 and we were still boyfriend & girlfriend. That summer she was going to Portugal like she always did every summer. She started acting weird towards me and didn't return phone calls and stuff. Well the day before she was about to leave I got in touch with her and she was crying. I was like what's wrong? She wouldn't tell me. She ended up telling me that she wanted to breakup and that she had sent me a letter saying she wanted to breakup. I was so devastated. I began crying like crazy over the phone. Isa has the distinction of being the very first girl to make me cry. She was also the very first girl I fell in love with.

Since high school we've only been in touch off and on. The last I heard from her was she bought a house with her boyfriend and was happy with him. She's a really cool girl and I wish her the best in life.

High School Love and Lust, The End.

gso

Single Boston Girl Seeks Mate

27 year old single white female born in Massachusetts seeks young white male 18 years up. It doesn't matter if you still live at home, don't have a job, smoke cigarettes, drink a little too much or if you don't take care of yourself. If you can breathe, speak English & don't eat anything out of the usual American diet than you're a winner!

post a comment with your email address and she will find you and eat you alive! No purchase necessary valid in 48 states excluding Hawaii & Alaska (sorry guys)

gso

Part II: High School Love & Lust (Susana)

You guys have probably been foaming at the mouth waiting for part two of my High School story series. The last one about anxiety probably had a couple lonely tears falling out of your tear ducts. Well I'll keep the tears coming except these one will hopefully be tears of joy and excitement!

It's Freshmen year 1994-1995. I have this friend in class named Isa. She's Portuguese and from Portugal. Well without my knowledge Isa has a full blown crush on me. So the way she goes about seeing if I'm single and interested in her is she has a friend named Susana (also Portuguese but from another high school) call me to find some more info on me. Susana calls my house one night as a prank phone call at least that's what she tells me. I end up talking to her for a bit. I thought she was just pranking random people and happened to come upon my number and to make matters more random she and I both have the same friend Isa. Well the plan back fires on Isa and Susana who was a total flirt ends up hitting it off with me. Susana ends up becoming my girlfriend. Here's where things get really dirrrrrrty.

One day Susana comes over my house to hangout with me her boyfriend :P. We start making out and like the sexual pro I was and still am I put my hands up her shirt and begin massaging her breasts. This is the first time I had ever felt God's magnificent gift to boys. Now from what I had seen in magazines I really thought boobs would feel kind of hard and really firm. Well Susana had pretty big boobs especially for a 9th grader and her boobs were pretty soft. It was quite a strange feeling for me because like I said I expected the complete opposite.

Susana had pretty strict parents. She couldn't really ever come out and hang. Plus since we both were only like 14 years old we didn't have our drivers licenses. I remember the first time she came over my house my mom had to drive her home with me in the car. Talk about awkward?!?!

After like 3 months of dating I find out Susana who has this friend Dan who was like 18 years old ends up hooking up with her. Isn't that statutory rape?!?! I was a little broken hearted but nothing major. I only put like 3 razor slits on my wrist. I'm still alive that's the good news.

To all my young men fans who haven't had the pleasure of resting your head on a girls chest or had the rush of blood to your other brain from massaging a pair of breasts keep your head up. It'll happen in due time. Keep chugging alone and maybe some ugly lonely girl with no confidence will come along and let you play with her fun bags. Better yet maybe some hot young drunk chick will be so drunk she'll hook up with you. Just remember they really do feel like balloons filled with sand. Plus the more persistent you are the more you will get in life. Let the girl in completely in your head and heart so when she breaks your heart you can write that emo record you've been dieing to write. Feel like shit for a few months and then make millions its a formula that's proven to work just look at me!

High School Love & Lust ain't over yet. Find out tomorrow who my other love interests were and what sexual antics we did!

gso

Part I: High School Anxiety

I can still remember sitting in the auditorium at Brockton High School in September of 1994 with the principal of the school saying to us "your 4 years here at Brockton High will fly by. Before you know it you will be in graduating" I was thinking to myself "No way school seems like forever and ever" In what seemed like no time at all it was June of 1998 and I was graduating. Damn that fucking principal was right!

Thinking back to high school now seems like it was so long ago. All the people I went to school with and the friends I made I basically have no contact with now. High School was pretty rough for me. I went to school that at one time was the biggest high school east of the Mississippi. There were like 3,000 kids there and I really felt like a small fish in a huge pond.

I had really bad anxiety problems in 9th and 10th grade. So bad that I would barely ever leave my house unless it was to school. Even when I went to school I would be so nervous and wound up I would almost always feel nauseous and throw up. It was a really weird time in my life. I wish at the time I had gone on anti-depressant medication in order to deal with my social anxiety. I would just sit in my room and play video games and listen to Nirvana. I was a fucking mess. If I even dared to step foot out of my house my heart would start racing and I'd feel dizzy and nauseous. I barely ate anything during high school because I was scared I was going to throw up and make a fool of myself in front of everyone. I got so bad at one point I only weighed 125 lbs and I was 5'10. It was pretty nuts!

The final 2 years of high were not that bad anxiety wise. I mean I would have moments of anxiousness like when I had to talk in front of the class. But otherwise 11th & 12th grade were pretty smooth.

Kids if you have anxiety issues go talk to someone like a doctor. At the time I really felt like I was the only one in the world who had anxiety problems. It wasn't until I was an adult did I later find out practically everyone has had or does have anxiety issues. It's just a matter of learning how to deal with the issue head on and not be too afraid to try and do something about it.

High School Stories: To Be Continued:
Next: Part II - High School Love & Lust

gso

My Penis Has A First Name...

Like the Oscar Meyer Bologna commercial goes "my bologna has a first name its O-S-C-A-R..."
Well most guys give their penis's first names.

I've always half joked about names for mine "Herman", "Dinky", "Stanley" & "Willy Wonka". Giving your cock-a-doodle-doo a name is a joke all guys can enjoy because as guys and girls know men's penis's have a mind of their own and they deserve their very own names. It's like having a second brain attached to your body with its own thoughts, opinions, feelings, wants & needs. You need to feed him the energy he needs with food, he needs to be groomed and cleaned. He needs to be protected from the evil in the world because he doesn't want to get sick and die. To keep him in tip top shape he needs to have fun by meeting and playing with new friends.

I'm not the only one who has given their penis a name. Macaulay Culkin calls his "Floyd". "Floyd" sounds like a wonderful name for a penis. It makes me think its fast, flacid & flexible. 3 adjectives girls/guys love. If a girl/guy were to ask your penis's name and you said "Floyd" your partner will most likely get wildly aroused and be ready to fornicate in mere seconds.

Just like a rocket, a sex pistol, a meat wrench, thrill drill or whatever else you may call your penis if it works and its healthy than share it with the rest of the world. Don't let it go to waste because by the time you hit 60 years old it may not work at all without the help of Viagra. Be strong, stand tall & free it like that whale Willy in the ocean. Keep it safe, protect it, care for it because once it's gone it's gone forever!

gso

My Celebrity Look-A-Likes

Ok so the photo of me isn't the best. I look like a fucking dweeb but it's a closeup and it shows off my $100 smile. So I guess I look like a Jew (Ben Stiller), an afro-american (Usher), Hispanic (Julio Iglesias) & a WWE wrestler (Shawn Michaels)